I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
