take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me