But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
