eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
