Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
