Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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