If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
