How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs