he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
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Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
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Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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