As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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