Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
