lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
