why didn't you poke me back
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
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Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
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Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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