at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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