There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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