my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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