Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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