Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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