There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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