Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
