At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Mom said you looked used
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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