Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
