Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
