Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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