I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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