Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
