In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
