Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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