Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
high people should be assigned attendants
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
