I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize