I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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