dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
