I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
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Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.