dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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