oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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