The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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