You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
