I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
