I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
