You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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