when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
