my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
