Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
