Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
