I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
