Kiss
Puke
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
