I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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