brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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