I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
