You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
