So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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