I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
