i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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