hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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