Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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